For me, there are several clauses in the friendship agreement: sharing parts of our lives--in sadness and in health, helping out when possible, understanding each other's quirks, accepting the fact that each other is different and learning to respect the different perspectives that our friends may have.
I may come up with some other things as I go, but those are the things that really means something for me which comes as priorities for me in my relationships with my close friends.
In the past week, I no longer understand what friendship means to some people I'm friends with.
One friend who always call me to talk about her problems even in ungodly hours said that I suffer from a chronic 'hero syndrome' and that I should not let helping other people distract me from my own focus.
I defended myself and said that what bothers me was people pouring their problems and their negativity on me all the time without trying to find any solution. And so I tried to find solutions for them, or at the very least I told them my take on things. I ended the conversation as soon as possible and I started to cry.
I sobbed and sobbed and the tears just would not stop. I did not see that one coming. I was simply heartbroken. There was no anger there, just utter sadness. The sadness that stems from the fact that my philosophy on friendship was dismissed as 'chronic hero syndrome' (which I was suggested to stop doing) by my best friend who seeks my counsel all the time and by the same logic probably suffers from 'damsel in distress syndrome'.
And the next day, she texted me again to complain about another problem.
...
Another dear friend of mine has also come to me with her problems--one of those problems is not having a place to stay during the weekdays. She asked to stay at my house, but my housemate refused and I also don't think it's a good idea--I just don't have the heart to tell her bluntly. I love her so much so that it hurts to see her so clueless, not knowing which path to take and not having a place to come home to.
When I told our mutual friend about this, she said: "You're one of the people she depended on. Luckily, I'm not (one of those people)." Her words froze me. I told her that I didn't feel it's my loss if this friend depends on me, I like helping her out, it's just that I'm sometimes tired and when I'm tired I'm not as accepting as I usually am. She replied, "I'm not talking about material gains/losses, it's just that because she doesn't depend herself on me I can channel my energy to other more beneficial things."
I did not reply.
I feel that my friend depended on me because she trusted me, trusted my judgment. And I am both honored and humbled by it. I see nothing wrong in helping people, in simply listening to their problems, in trying to help her put her life back on track. If channeling my energy to my personal relationships with my close friends is not beneficial, I don't know what is.
But to each their own.
...
I don't have tons of friends. I prefer to have small circles of friends around me, with whom I can share parts of my life with and in turn share parts of their lives with me. Relationships are living organisms with different dynamics. Some grows and continues to grow, wheathering the storms, and adjusting to the changes that time brings. Some others bloomed to perfection and then simply wilted, unable to be revived.
I have to grow too, as a person and as a friend. But my friendship clauses will stick with me to the end.
